[09:08] jakothewoods: You know, I've heard that some people believe that there is a finite amount of suffering in the world, and that if they manage to "use it all up" then no one else will have to suffer ever again.
[09:08] wdalphin: Is this in relation to Dungeons & Dragons?
[09:09] jakothewoods: It's my belief that Bruce Payne feels this way. Except replace "suffering" with "bad acting."
[09:09] jakothewoods: Bruce Payne - Taking it on the chin for all the other actors since 1982!
[09:09] wdalphin: I disagree with that belief. I believe there is an infinite amount of bad acting in the world, and Bruce Payne has tapped into it.
[09:10] jakothewoods: Ah, so you think he's got a hold of "the source"?
[09:10] wdalphin: Have you seen the first Dungeons & Dragons?
[09:10] jakothewoods: Of course I have.
[09:10] jakothewoods: "What about my HEAD?!?!"
[09:10] wdalphin: okay, then... which was worse... the first or the second?
[09:10] wdalphin: I say the first was actually worse.
[09:12] jakothewoods: I agree. It was too "twitty" and not serious enough. The second at least made an effort to try to take itself seriously. Although, I have to say that I think there was more "name/title" dropping in the second movie than in the first.
[09:13] wdalphin: What, you mean like "The Barrier Peaks"?
[09:13] jakothewoods: Exactly. And the "Ghost tower of Inverness" and "the shrine of the Kuo-toa"
[09:14] wdalphin: Yeah, but at least that made it feel like somebody had read a book actually published by Gygax.
[09:14] jakothewoods: I think Gygax was actually involved with the movie possibly. At least, there's an interview with him among the featurettes on the disc.
[09:15] wdalphin: I also found it amusing that they referenced Jubilex.
[09:15] jakothewoods: Also, the magic items and spells were identifiable for the most part - the first movie was just like "whatever." The second seemed to have some familiarity with the rules.
[09:15] jakothewoods: Pffft. Goblins worshipping Jubilex. What horse-pucky. Everyone knows Goblins worship Magubliyet.
[09:15] wdalphin: They made Jubilex out to be some sort of crafty, evil god.
[09:15] jakothewoods: He's a Demon, for Obad-Hai's sake!
[09:15] wdalphin: "Hi, I'm Jubilex, the FACELESS LORD."
[09:16] wdalphin: "Scrying portal? Why sure! Although I have no arcane powers, and am merely a god to slimes and molds, my name is cool enough I should be able to help you there!"
[09:17] jakothewoods: I rather liked how they kept calling each other by their profession rather than their names. As if you're going to forget what it is each character does. "What do you see, rogue?" "You hold them off, Barbarian!"
[09:17] wdalphin: The rogue was the only cool person in that group.
[09:17] wdalphin: Nim.
[09:17] jakothewoods: Even the lich. "Remember your promise, Lich."
[09:18] wdalphin: Oh god, I was MSTing that poor lich.
[09:18] wdalphin: "Well done, lich."
"I have a name, you dick."
[09:18] jakothewoods: Little known fact - Liches, being undead (by definition, a dead-and-risen member of some species) actually do have names, and don't just go by the generic "lich."
[09:18] jakothewoods: EXACTLY. Steph and I were doing that EXACT same thing
[09:18] wdalphin: He gave his name when he first showed up I think, though I didn't catch it.
[09:19] wdalphin: "You have trespassed upon the necropolis of someone or other"
[09:19] jakothewoods: He did say "welcome to the necropolis of (something or other) I did hear that."
[09:19] wdalphin: Yes, out there in the middle of the woods.
[09:19] jakothewoods: See? same page.
[09:19] wdalphin: Hey, lich-guy... one skull lying by a tree does not constitute a "necropolis".
[09:19] jakothewoods: Yeah, that struck me, too. Don't they normally go to ground or at least stay in their wizards' tower?
[09:20] wdalphin: Apparently they climb trees.
[09:20] jakothewoods: Maybe his area of arcane research was bird-watching?
[09:20] wdalphin: WORST LICH EVAR.
[09:20] wdalphin: I kind of thought Damodar (Bruce Payne) was a lich at first.
[09:20] wdalphin: Then I discovered he was basically just a zombie.
[09:21] wdalphin: A zombie who apparently could cast curses upon other people hundreds of miles away.
[09:21] jakothewoods: Yeah, no, I think Payne has it in his contract that his D&D characters must defy convention at all times. The spell from the first movie - I dare anyone to find it in the PHB. Likewise, I don't know of ANY undead that take their "life essence" nourishment through a feeding tube in their back.
[09:22] jakothewoods: Maybe he's a geriatric vampire.
[09:22] wdalphin: I thought he was alive again at that point, but apparently not. He talked about how taking the orb had freed him of the curse... and yet he could lose a limb without fear, and he ate through a grizzly wound in his back.
[09:23] wdalphin: He's a big pussy is what he is. I liked how he could curse someone who wasn't even near him, but the moment the hero got on a horse, he high-tailed it outt there.
[09:23] jakothewoods: Oh! Oh! *Raises his hand and bounces in his seat*
[09:23] wdalphin: "Curses! A horse! My only weakness!"
[09:23] wdalphin: Yes?
[09:23] jakothewoods: I'd like someone to explain this progression to me:
[09:23] wdalphin: Uh oh.
[09:24] wdalphin: Mmmm... candy that changes color in my mouth!
[09:24] wdalphin: How utterly useless, unless I then remove it.
[09:25] jakothewoods: Beric: No Lux! If you kill him, Melora will die too! *Beric grabs Damodar from Lux, and promptly proceeds to hold a knife to Damodar's throat* Beric: Now, remove your curse, or I'll kill you myself! Hello! Anyone? Does he LISTEN to what comes out of his own mouth?
[09:26] wdalphin: I laughed.
[09:26] wdalphin: Luckily for him, Damodar wasn't reknowned for his intellect.
[09:26] jakothewoods: Also, I'd just like to say that Black daragons DO NOT BREATHE OUT POISON GAS. That would be green dragons. Oh, and they DON'T SHOOT FIREBALLS. Red Dragons! DUH.
[09:27] wdalphin: Yes, well, black dragons aren't typically of the skeletal variety either.
[09:27] jakothewoods: BLACK dragons are known for their acidic spittle
[09:27] wdalphin: My turn, my turn!
[09:27] wdalphin: Explain this thought process:
[09:27] jakothewoods: Well, I'm willing to forgive that. Maybe it was a black dracolich.
[09:28] wdalphin: "My god! there's something evil in this cave! Quickly! FETCH THE ROYAL TAX ADVISOR!"
[09:28] wdalphin: alright, so that wasn't what was said... but it is what happened.
[09:28] jakothewoods: Well, you know, dragon hoard and all, maybe they wanted to know if this would bump the entire locality into the next tax bracket or something.
[09:29] wdalphin: I think they were wondering if property value would drop.
[09:29] jakothewoods: They ought to have tapped that sleeping dragon's nostrils, and used it to power their stoves.
[09:29] wdalphin: "It's a lovely little villa, but the undead beast in the cave nearby tends to keep costs low."
[09:29] wdalphin: Ohohoh
[09:30] wdalphin: I wanted to give the movie a different title, in light of the fact that the "wrath of the dragon god" did not take place until the last ten minutes.
[09:30] wdalphin: I wanted to call it, "Dungeons & Dragons: Tide of Bandits"
[09:30] jakothewoods: ??
[09:30] jakothewoods: Bandits?
[09:30] wdalphin: Because of the bandit tide they faced at the monument.
[09:30] jakothewoods: Oh, you mean the enormous fight scene in front of the monument?
[09:30] jakothewoods: right. :)
[09:31] wdalphin: Yes, that wave of stampeding bandits that just happened by.
[09:31] jakothewoods: I gots one for you?
[09:31] wdalphin: Bring it
[09:32] wdalphin: The funniest part about that bandit scene was when they entered the secret passage and sealed it... the bandits were still making their charging scream... I wondered if they were just going to keep running right on by.
[09:32] jakothewoods: Okay, so. We have the "scenic panorama" of the lake in front of the wall of the greatest city in the region. Ithmere? I never really caught it fully. Shining white walls and towers hither and thither.
[09:32] wdalphin: Sounds beautiful.
[09:32] jakothewoods: And then we get up close and on the inside and it's a bunch of rough medieval huts and walls?
[09:32] wdalphin: The size of the city seemed to fluctuate a lot.
[09:32] jakothewoods: Totally.
[09:33] jakothewoods: I thought it was conveneint that there was a "close" button at all at the bottom of the stairs.
[09:33] wdalphin: Even the tower they took the girl mage to at the end... first it was overlooking that small huts and walls place, and then when they defeated the "dragon god", they were like eleventy thousand miles up.
[09:34] wdalphin: The second funniest part of that bandit scene was when they were trying to work out the riddle of the monument, and the warrior was yelling, "hurry up!"... and I was like, "why... you're totally kicking their asses!"
[09:34] jakothewoods: Tide of bandits must stand in line to face buxom barbarian woman with big sword. Maybe two at a time can attack, to make it look exciting.
[09:35] wdalphin: Did I mishear the hero when he was listing the adventurers in the beginning, because I'd SWEAR when he reffered to Lux, he said "him" or "he"...
[09:36] wdalphin: I think we were meant to think that big brute that Lux beat up was Lux at first... but seriously, did Lux get a sex change or what?
[09:37] wdalphin: Klaxx the Malign -- that was the lich's name (just looked on-line).
[09:38] jakothewoods: dunno. However, I did notice that near the beginning of the party's "adventure" they talk about Lux's brother (with the infamous "barrer Peak" reference) and how Beric had to kill him because he went mad. And then, near the end when Lux is about to kill Damodar, Beric yells "Lux! Don't, you're not your brother!" Yes, because that's been a deep and relevant issue throughout the movie...
[09:39] jakothewoods: er, Barrier, that's supposed to read.
[09:39] wdalphin: Especially when you consider that early on, Berek told them all that if they had a chance to kill Damodar, they might as well take it.
[09:39] jakothewoods: Am I misspelling his name?
[09:39] wdalphin: "Hey gang, let's go kill Damodar!"
"No, Lux! Don't kill Domodar! You're not a berserker!"
[09:40] wdalphin: Yes, his name was Berek.
[09:40] jakothewoods: Anyway, that was before he knew that his wife was cursed and tied to the lich/zombie/vampire/wuss.
[09:41] jakothewoods: Klaxx the malign, hunh?
[09:41] wdalphin: Oh I just remembered! FAVORITE SCENE: When the old mage guy is taking his bath, and his assistant walks out into the next room, and we see him go falling to the floor through the doorway, and then proceeds to WALK BACKWARD ON HIS HANDS AND TOES, to make it look like something is dragging him.
[09:41] jakothewoods: Not to be mistaken for that other Lich, "Klaxx the benificent"
[09:41] wdalphin: I thought, "Jesus, couldn't they have hired someone to just grab his legs and pull him?"
[09:42] jakothewoods: I actually had to "rewnd" the movie several times, so that Steph could catch that - she didn't the first time through.
[09:42] wdalphin: I had to too... I was like, "WAAAAAIIIIT a second... what the fuck was that?"
[09:42] jakothewoods: I apologize for my spelling errors. It's early.
[09:42] wdalphin: eh
[09:42] wdalphin: I can fix it in post production.
[09:43] jakothewoods: You know, I think all the actors for this movie were British.
[09:43] jakothewoods: well, or Welsh.
[09:43] wdalphin: I thought they were German. After all, it was a Humburger movie.
[09:43] wdalphin: er
[09:43] wdalphin: Hamburger.
[09:44] wdalphin: I believe a "humburger" is some form of sexual act.
[09:44] wdalphin: Which could very well describe this movie...
[09:45] wdalphin: Kellogg's Frosted Pally Pops!
[09:45] jakothewoods: Hey, when the "night dragon" finally woke up and popped out of the mountain, did you first think "That's it? That little thing?" I did. This little bat-shabed thing pops out of the mountainside, and looks very much like the lich's "flying form", and wings it's way toward Damodar. Little dargon, little dragon, little dragon disappears behind hill, BIG FUCKING DRAGON REARS UP.
[09:46] wdalphin: I didn't notice... I may have been jabbing myself in the eyes with my fingers at that point.
[09:46] jakothewoods: And of course, all dragons have computer-modulated voices.
[09:47] wdalphin: I think it was the point where Klaxx the Malcontent recovered the dragon orb, and instead of using it for himself, GAVE IT BACK TO MR. ZOMBIE, as if somehow Damodar had some sort of power he could use on him.
[09:47] jakothewoods: Ohoh!
[09:47] wdalphin: You... don't have to do that.
[09:48] jakothewoods: Damodar: "Kill him." Klaxx: "Kill him yourself." Big friggin' treason, that. Damn! thinks Damodar, Now I have to kill him myself! But I just wet my robes! :(
[09:48] wdalphin: *Damodar promptly flees*
[09:49] wdalphin: I guess Damodar just didn't have the orbs to face Berek on his own.
[09:49] jakothewoods: For such a powerful cursey zombie who can steal someone's hair through their own vision spell, he seems awfully puny.
[09:50] wdalphin: I would have just given up at the point where a crippled rogue, an elf with her arm in the wall, a buxum berserker and a gimp with a sword waltz into my tower, and somehow manage to kick my ass with nothing but a rin of the ram.
[09:50] jakothewoods: Did you notice that the orb evaporated after Nelora used it to put the dragon back to sleep? When that happened, I was like "shit. that was our only dragon orb. Now what are we gonna do when it wakes up again, in two hundred years?"
[09:50] wdalphin: Well now wait
[09:50] wdalphin: The dragon was consumed by the earth I thought.
[09:51] wdalphin: It fell down into the lake, and the earth opened up and swallowed it.
[09:51] jakothewoods: if so ou saw more than I. Admittedly, all that ricketa-racketa went on, and I asked Steph "What just happened?"
[09:52] wdalphin: besides, they technically didn't have the orb before that. All they had were some acorns, and they prayed, and then they got a new orb to use... all they have to do if it comes back is pray for another orb.
[09:52] wdalphin: and stop cutting down all the acorn trees, I guess.
[09:53] wdalphin: the orb they recovered from Berek was used by Berek to free the dragon... they never got it back from him.
[09:53] wdalphin: er
[09:53] wdalphin: that first Berek should read Damordar.
[09:54] wdalphin: and so should that second one.
[09:54] jakothewoods: Did the movie seem skimpy to you on non-humanraces, too?
[09:54] wdalphin: Just replace all Bereks with Damodars there.
[09:54] wdalphin: I was waiting to bring that up, but yes.
[09:54] jakothewoods: The only non-human was the elven mage (who seemed more of a sorceror, to me)
[09:54] wdalphin: "Let's go to the goblin village!"
"Where are all the goblins?"
"Sorry, we had to cut the goblin budget to pay for the dragons."
"Well, it's a nice village none-the-less."
[09:54] jakothewoods: And possibly a nod to halflings with the exceptionally short rogue.
[09:55] jakothewoods: who was human.
[09:55] wdalphin: the rogue wasn't short... I think. but they did pass some exceptionally small people early on in the film.
[09:55] wdalphin: The rogue reminded me of Bob Hoskins.
[09:55] jakothewoods: they blew their costuming budget on Klaxx the Maladjusted, and that servitor guy of Damodar's who had like three minutes of airtime.
[09:56] wdalphin: And the crocolisk doctor, can't forget him!
[09:56] jakothewoods: oh, right. Four seconds.
[09:56] wdalphin: Damodar's HMO only allowed him to hire a crocolisk to fix his severed arm.
[09:57] wdalphin: followed by the classic line, "FETCH. MY. ORB." -- said to Mr. Doctor.

"I'm a doctor, not a bounty hunter. Fetch it yourself, Lord Dumbodar."
[09:57] jakothewoods: fairly effective bit of healing magic there though, if you ask me. In-game when I play, a spell that regenerates your entire arm in the space of a minute would either cost a fortune, or need to be repaid by some kind of epic quest for the church.
[09:58] jakothewoods: And most likely wouldn't be applied by what is billed as, I believe, "Lizard shaman #2"
[09:58] wdalphin: Well, you know, Damodar WAS increidbly powerful because ... because...
[09:58] jakothewoods: because he had a thing put in his head by Profion nearly 300 years ago?
[09:58] wdalphin: Dude, he ate drows for breakfast. He must be tough. And evil.
[09:58] wdalphin: Evil and tough.
[09:59] jakothewoods: Excuse me, Le's be clear here - he had pureed drow fed into a hole in his back via a feeding tube. He' obviously an invalid.
[09:59] wdalphin: "I just ate a fucking drow, man! Then I got my arm severed, and I totally took it like a man! I had it healed with extreme agony, just for the pleasure of pain! I'm THE BIGGEST BAD ASS IN THE WOR-- oh fuck a horse!"
[10:00] jakothewoods: It's not like he went into the underdark, hunted down a drow, hacked off it's arm and started gnawing on it raw for breakfast. THAT would be "tough."
[10:00] wdalphin: A tough man would eat the drow alive.
[10:01] wdalphin: I liked how Damodar only wanted to watch the city be razed to the ground... that was all he wanted... but, oh no! they threatened to put the curse of undeath back on him and he caved like a pansy.
[10:02] jakothewoods: Amusingly, Bruce Payne's bio on IMDB says that he is often mistaken for Julian Sands. To such a degree that he was actually used to fill the role that Sands had started in earlier movies, in the movie Warlock IV. Oh yeah. He really looks like Julian Sands. Holy shit! Was that Julian Sands?
[10:02] wdalphin: Julian Sands was the original warlock.
[10:02] jakothewoods: At least Julian Sands deigns to be in -some- decent movies. Like Lord of Illusions.
[10:03] wdalphin: I heard they're casting Bruce Payne to play Lucius Malfoy in the next Harry Potter film.
[10:03] jakothewoods: Please. Be lying.
[10:03] wdalphin: hahaha!
[10:03] wdalphin: He's also set to star in The Patriot 2: Patrioter
[10:04] jakothewoods: U.S. Title: The Patriotest.
[10:04] wdalphin: So, perhaps we ought to wrap up the movie review and move on to other things? In conclusion... what did you think?
[10:06] jakothewoods: Well, in netflix-speek We gave it a two-star rating. I myself think that anyone associated with this movie should be euthanized.
[10:06] jakothewoods: And I now need to go wash out my eyeballs.
[10:07] jakothewoods: Et tu, my fine feathered friend?
[10:08] wdalphin: I found it enjoyable in the same way that I enjoy other bad movies like Shaolin Drunkards. The rogue was well-done, although the warrior and the elf were rather retarded. Bruce Payne's villain was a giant letdown, considering I expected an epic sort-of fight, and got to watch him instead run away on a horse, get spooked by a bloody warrior, and then get beat up and wimp out at the last minute. I'd give it three stars for the sheer camp value.
[10:08] jakothewoods: Let us not forget that they left it open-ended for a sequel!
[10:09] wdalphin: Yes, Bruce Payne gets thrown in jail... for all the dead people and suffering and all that, they tos the bad guy in a cell. Well done.
[10:10] jakothewoods: Ah, there's nothing like and ending montage. Happy Warrior. Happy Barbarian. Happy Rogue. Dead Priest (lasted all of one fight in the movie, "Whoops, there goes the walking band-aid!"). Languishing villain, plotting his revenge.
[10:10] wdalphin: I'd buy this movie if I saw it on sale for $3-5. Then I'd show it to anyone I knew who played D&D, so we could allll laugh.

Conclusion:
Jak: **
Wil: ***