[10:17] jakothewoods: Bastard.
[10:18] wdalphin: that was actually much better than I was expecting it to be.
[10:18] jakothewoods: You know, I've already got my payback planned.
[10:18] wdalphin: payback?
[10:18] wdalphin: what is there to pay back?
[10:19] wdalphin: it was a cute, little film.
[10:19] wdalphin: almost Arsenic & Old Lace
[10:19] jakothewoods: You know, If I'm going to be exposed to claymation, I'd at least prefer it to not be crappy claymation.
[10:20] wdalphin: There was claymation?
[10:20] wdalphin: Wow, it was so good, I didn't even notice it from the real thing.
[10:21] jakothewoods: You know, I want to die that way - I want to be crushed under a sumo wrestler.
[10:21] wdalphin: I have to confess, the beginning with the angel... THING... in the lady's soup, and it ripping out her uvula... I thought, "yeah... this is exactly what I was expecting..." but then after the whole intro to the family, it didn't get too odd.
[10:22] wdalphin: You want to be smothered by a dead, naked, sumo wrestler after a night of intense sex?
[10:22] wdalphin: and then buried by a lake?
[10:23] jakothewoods: It was bizzare, Wil. What was up with the rabbits on the moon?
[10:23] wdalphin: That's a Japanese thing, actually.
[10:23] jakothewoods: hey, if you gotta go, go out with some style, I say.
[10:23] wdalphin: We see a face in the moon.
[10:23] wdalphin: They see a rabbit.
[10:24] wdalphin: They don't see TWO rabbits, having rabbit sex, that was Miike's doing.
[10:24] jakothewoods: this was two rabbits. Making more rabbits.
[10:24] wdalphin: but they see a rabbit.
[10:24] jakothewoods: Ay yi yi.
[10:24] wdalphin: I thought the charlatan military guy was going to die from drinking that nasty water, did you?
[10:25] wdalphin: They showed him stop at that lake and drink, and there's all the dead fish in the water, and the skeleton of the horse nearby... and then the whole time he's at the inn, he's clutching his butt like he's got diahhrea
[10:25] jakothewoods: Oh my god. Those gatsrointestinal noises. I actually made a note of that to mention. I was sure he was going to shit himself to death or something.
[10:26] wdalphin: I was sure they'd find him the next day, having stuffed himself between the bed and the wall... with blood in his pants.
[10:27] jakothewoods: He was something else for sure. "I'm with the American Navy! Well, The British Navy! Well, actually I'm a Secret Service Agent! AND a member of the Royal Family!"
[10:28] wdalphin: You knew he was a dead man.
[10:29] wdalphin: I liked how when that poor family with the sick little boy showed up, they were like, "oh man... yeah, they're dead for sure" and went out and started digging a big mass grave.
[10:29] jakothewoods: Oh hell yeah. He was just too slimy. "My nose isn't bleeding because I'm horny! It's because I've got so much of it, and it's rushing to my PENIS."
[10:29] jakothewoods: I knew that sickly family would be okay. :)
[10:29] wdalphin: of course!
[10:30] wdalphin: I figured they would blame all the deaths on the charlatan guy...
[10:31] jakothewoods: I thought that was going to be the case, too. And then that murderer fellow showed up, and I thought he'd be the scapegoat.
[10:31] wdalphin: but lo, Takashi fooled us yet again.
[10:31] wdalphin: For it was the volcano that... well, okay, the volcano didn't really get blamed for anything, because the bodies were never found.
[10:32] wdalphin: but who the hell was the dog carrying in its mouth as it surfed down the landslide? (I assume that was dirt, not lava)
[10:32] jakothewoods: Was that supposed to be lava or mud? Because I'm confused how they weren't burned if it was lava. Did their love protect them?
[10:32] wdalphin: I think it was mud.
[10:32] jakothewoods: I don;t know, I kind of got the impression it was the fake sailor dude
[10:33] wdalphin: the dead fake sailor dude?
[10:33] wdalphin: Maybe it was the murderer guy? He fled when everyone fell over when the volcano erupted. Maybe the dog (Pochi) grabbed him?
[10:34] jakothewoods: Naw, he was doing that dance with the other police guys, half buried in the dirt at the end, remember?
[10:35] wdalphin: well yeah... because the dog hauled him back.
[10:35] jakothewoods: I still don't think that's who it was.
[10:35] jakothewoods: What genre was this movie anyway? Horror? Musical? Drama? When did it get a whole philosophical bent?
[10:36] wdalphin: well... since it was claymation at that point, I think we'll never know.
[10:36] wdalphin: I would put it under "family" and "musical"
[10:36] wdalphin: "musical", "comedy", "horror" says IMDb.
[10:37] jakothewoods: It was awfully graphic for a "family" movie. I like how they took the makeshift knife out of the first guys neck, btw, and then put it back in.
[10:37] wdalphin: they were debating whether to call the police or not, and didn't want to be found holding the death weapon.
[10:37] wdalphin: apparently this was a remake. O_o
[10:38] wdalphin: the original was not a musical though.
[10:39] jakothewoods: Oh, that's a pity - because the music added JUST the right touch. It softened the whole DEATH thing.
[10:39] wdalphin: I liked the singing and dancing.
[10:39] jakothewoods: The uncle seemed a little... limp-wristed to me.
[10:39] wdalphin: uncle?
[10:40] wdalphin: you mean the son?
[10:40] wdalphin: the one with the criminal background?
[10:40] jakothewoods: He was the narrator's uncle.
[10:41] wdalphin: yeah, but the main character, in my opinion, was the father who brought them all together.
[10:42] jakothewoods: He resembled that indian actor from Dances with Wolves, if you ask me (the father, that is)
[10:42] wdalphin: Never watched Dances With Wolves.
[10:42] jakothewoods: You HAVEN'T? Wow, we could critique that... :)
[10:42] wdalphin: AWESOME!
[10:43] wdalphin: I WANT TO REVIEW A THREE HOUR KEVIN COSTNER MOVIE PLEASE.
[10:43] jakothewoods: Graham Greene.
[10:43] jakothewoods: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001295/
[10:43] wdalphin: "I liked the part where he sat in his teepee"
[10:43] wdalphin: "FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES"
[10:44] wdalphin: I figured that's who you were talking about. I remember him better from Maverick and Die Hard With a Vengeance.
[10:45] jakothewoods: Maverick, yeah, I was trying to remember the Mel Gibson western he'd been in. He's a decent actor, btw.
[10:45] wdalphin: yes.
[10:45] jakothewoods: Although I'm betting he hasn't got the voice of this Japanese guy.
[10:46] wdalphin: the ever virulent Graham Greene.
[10:46] wdalphin: he's deadly.
[10:46] wdalphin: He brings such force to the screen.
[10:47] jakothewoods: I just liked how he always seemed so down to earth.
[10:47] wdalphin: his feet really touch the ground, don't they?
[10:48] wdalphin: My favorite song in the movie was the one with the zombie corpses, where the family is telling the little girl who has found the washed up bodies not to be scared.
[10:49] jakothewoods: I don't know, I thought the love song between the dad and mom was kind of poignant.
[10:49] wdalphin: it was good, but it lacked zombies.
[10:50] wdalphin: I hear Miike's planning to make a sequel! After all, it was so open-ended with them in that African safari place with the elephants and rainbows...
[10:50] jakothewoods: The zombies were lame in my opinion. They didn't even try to eat anyone.
[10:51] jakothewoods: Were there elephants? I thought it was supposed to be Shangri-La or something.
[10:51] wdalphin: The elephants were in the background when they were examining the new place they had ended up.
[10:52] wdalphin: maybe it was shangri-la, whatever. rainbows and elephants doesn't sound like paradise to me, frankly.
[10:52] wdalphin: The sequel will be called "Happiness of the Katamaris"
[10:52] jakothewoods: I want to see that. What do you think they'll roll up?
[10:52] wdalphin: it'll star the same family, only instead of running an inn, they roll shit up into balls.
[10:52] wdalphin: I want them to roll up dead people
[10:53] wdalphin: Or maybe they could roll sumo wrestlers, and the ones on the inside get smothered.
[10:53] jakothewoods: And murder weapons.
[10:53] wdalphin: they could roll up sailors, and then roll through a field of broken glass.
[10:53] jakothewoods: And if they try to roll up sharp things that are too big, limbs could come off, and make the katamari smaller!
[10:53] wdalphin: it'd be like making a big, fleshy, snowman. with lots of gouts of blood and such.
[10:54] wdalphin: they'd have to start with something small, like the little claymation angel thing. Then roll up crows and pochis, and then little girls, then sailors, then sumos...
[10:55] jakothewoods: and then finally the house! And maybe the mountain.
[10:55] jakothewoods: We could market this as a game, Wil!
[10:55] wdalphin: when the katamari got really big, they could roll it down a hill toward tokyo
[10:55] wdalphin: and all the little people would scream
[10:55] wdalphin: GOZIRRA!
[10:56] wdalphin: they could end up rolling up Tokyo Tower and Gamera and the fog monster.
[10:57] wdalphin: you'd have to watch out for power rangers and shit.
[10:57] jakothewoods: When you get to a certain size, it seems like all katamari shit becomes the same
[10:58] wdalphin: and King of All Cosmos would go, "no no no... this katamari is very.. hmm.. SUMO to me... it's much too small!"
[10:59] wdalphin: Katakuri Damacy.
[11:00] jakothewoods: And if you failed a quest, he'd cut something off.
[11:00] wdalphin: you're obsessed with cutting "stuff" off.
[11:00] wdalphin: The katakuris were a non-violent family!
[11:00] wdalphin: except for the great grandfather.
[11:01] wdalphin: He was a master of "log-fu".
[11:01] jakothewoods: He only hit two birds. Well, and the slimy sailor.
[11:01] jakothewoods: Hell of a shot, concerning birds.
[11:02] wdalphin: he hit two birds about 1000 yards away that were FLYING.
[11:02] jakothewoods: They kept calling him "ass-hole"
[11:02] wdalphin: maybe that was his first name
[11:02] wdalphin: great grandpa asshole.
[11:02] wdalphin: Hell, we've got an Uncle Dick.
[11:03] wdalphin: I guess this review is winding down.
[11:04] jakothewoods: I'm sorry. I was cleaning stuff. :p
[11:04] wdalphin: Either that or you're busy over there with your little sumo wrestler asphyxiation fetish.
[11:04] jakothewoods: It was an okay movie, I guess, I just had a hard time with it, BECAUSE
[11:04] jakothewoods: It was in a different language AND
[11:04] jakothewoods: their sense of humor is so different from our own.
[11:04] wdalphin: I turned on English subtitles, didn't you?
[11:04] jakothewoods: And the start really threw me off. What WAS that soup-imp scene all about?
[11:05] wdalphin: How the hell did you figure out what was going on with subtitles off?
[11:05] jakothewoods: I did turn on the subtitles, but then I read the subtitles and miss the action. :p
[11:05] wdalphin: I guess my television is smaller than yours.
[11:06] wdalphin: I believe the soup angel uvula-tearing scene had something to do with love. love... and violent oddities.
[11:06] jakothewoods: I'm just not much of a fan of japanese cinema. And this seemed inconstant - it's a horror! It's a tear-jerker! It's a comedy! Actually, I think it was pretty consistently a comedy. :p
[11:06] wdalphin: definitely a comedy, and a musical.
[11:06] jakothewoods: Love and violent oddities. Okay.
[11:06] jakothewoods: Right, and a musical. The music wasn't bad actually - a little amateurish, but not horrible.
[11:07] wdalphin: I thought for sure it was a taste of things to come, but it was not.
[11:07] jakothewoods: Oh, I do have to say that the sailor had wonderful taste for a romantic outing. "Let's take a walk through the dump."
[11:07] wdalphin: it introduced us to the four ladies on a spiritual journey who had absolutely nothing to do with anything.
[11:08] jakothewoods: Yes, I remember them. The ones who started screaming at the completely random eclipse.
[11:08] wdalphin: yeah. uh..
[11:08] wdalphin: that was kind of
[11:08] wdalphin: random.
[11:09] wdalphin: perhaps it was an omen.
[11:09] jakothewoods: So, to sum up the movie? They bought a house. People die in it. The house gets swept away to the veldt via a mudslide. Grandpa Ascends.
[11:10] jakothewoods: With lots of singing!
[11:10] wdalphin: I would sum it up as "raggedy family tries to run an inn. Guests die. Guests get buried out back. Shit happens. Volcano erupts. Family comes together to save their inn with the power of love. Family ends up on a savana... grandpa ascends.
[11:10] jakothewoods: Mine's more concise. :-D
[11:11] wdalphin: Mine removes the mystery of what happens to the dead people.
[11:11] jakothewoods: Or, it could be put even more sharply - As Grandpa puts it, "Life happens."
[11:11] wdalphin: Life happens, grandpa ascends.
[11:11] jakothewoods: Regardless of whether we succumb to natural selection within the next 300 generations.
[11:11] wdalphin: The Von Trapps meet the Bates.
[11:12] jakothewoods: all filmed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
[11:12] wdalphin: I wouldn't give them such credit.
[11:12] wdalphin: They would make the movie more tasteless, more politically slanted.
[11:12] jakothewoods: They do claymation-ish stuff.
[11:13] jakothewoods: At least no one ended up getting eaten.
[11:13] jakothewoods: Oh, and that reminds me that I never wanted to see fermented beans close up again.
[11:13] wdalphin: the soup angel almost got eaten. no wait, it DID get eaten, by the bird.
[11:14] jakothewoods: And the bird got eaten by the dog.
[11:14] wdalphin: yes
[11:14] wdalphin: thus, the circle of life.
[11:14] jakothewoods: Monkey holds up lion. Monkey! Monkey!
[11:14] wdalphin: angels eat uvulas, and then in turn get eaten by birds, who get eaten by dogs, who get eaten by koreans.
[11:15] jakothewoods: I should have watched that movie after several shots of rum and Bailey's. It would have made more sense then.
[11:15] jakothewoods: Or at least while on a sugar high.
[11:15] wdalphin: I watched it half awake at 9 in the morning on Sunday.
[11:15] wdalphin: that was fun.
[11:16] wdalphin: I gave it 3 stars (***)
[11:16] wdalphin: it's one I'd recommend to some of my friends, or people who are always asking me for movie recommendations who I hope will never ask again afterward.
[11:17] jakothewoods: I gave it three stars, because for some reason, it touched me. In a decent way. I'd recommend that it be shown to inmates, as it might change their lives.
[11:17] wdalphin: Annoying person: "Wil, you like movies! Recommend something to me!"
Me: "Go watch Happiness of the Katakuris."
(3 days later)
Annoying person: "WTF was that?"
Me: "Stop asking me questions."
[11:18] jakothewoods: It would at least make them want to stay out of jail, if that's the quality of movie being shown...
[11:18] wdalphin: be grateful I can't pick movies I've already seen, or I would make you watch Shaolin Drunkards.
[11:19] jakothewoods: Also, anyone thinking of starting a B&B should watch this. This is how bad it could be.
[11:19] wdalphin: This or Dead & Breakfast, which is coming soon on my netflix queue
[11:19] wdalphin: so what's my punishment? And please take into consideration that I'm playing host to mom and dad next weekend.
[11:20] jakothewoods: Dead & Breakfast is awesome.
[11:20] wdalphin: so no porn.
[11:20] jakothewoods: Oh no, no porn. I'll never make you watch porn. -I- Won't watch porn. This weekend, you will watch...
[11:20] jakothewoods: DUM! DUM! DUUUUUUM!
[11:20] wdalphin: something dum?
[11:21] wdalphin: Dum and Dumerer?
[11:21] jakothewoods: Bloodsucking Pharoah's in Pittsburgh.
[11:21] wdalphin: is that a movie title?
[11:21] jakothewoods: It is.
[11:21] wdalphin: wow.
[11:21] wdalphin: i almost question its authenticity.
[11:21] jakothewoods: I tried to make you and George and Eric watch it, years ago, during a drinking and burrito night.
[11:22] wdalphin: ugh
[11:22] jakothewoods: It was so bad, according to you (I wouldn't know, I was drunk) that you guys turned it off fifteen minutes in.
[11:22] jakothewoods: AGAINST MY WISHES.
[11:22] jakothewoods: Now grovel, Worm.
[11:22] wdalphin: I don't recall... then again... your "burrito nights" tended to contain lots of air-flowing vapors that could numb the brain or even send one into comas.
[11:23] jakothewoods: :)
[11:23] jakothewoods: I hope you enjoy the movie...
[11:23] wdalphin: it looks like fun!
[11:23] wdalphin: categories include "horror" and "slapstick". Fabulous.
[11:23] jakothewoods: sure. :) I've already got mine added to ne queue
[11:24] wdalphin: added.
[11:24] jakothewoods: :-D
[11:24] jakothewoods: How far in advance do you plan your tortures for me, just out of curiosity?
[11:24] wdalphin: not that far.
[11:25] wdalphin: So far, I've just looked at what's on my queue, and then check to see if its something you've already seen.
[11:25] jakothewoods: Ahh, I see.
[11:25] wdalphin: yes, in other words, the Katakuris was already waiting to be watched.
[11:26] jakothewoods: Frightening. Yes, that's how you got to see Sharpe, too.
[11:26] wdalphin: Oh this is nice. Your movie was directed by the guy that produced A Clay Aiken Christmas.
[11:26] jakothewoods: Any clue what'll be next after Pharoahs?
[11:26] jakothewoods: A what??
[11:26] wdalphin: also directed by a guy so embarassed of it that he didn't use his real name... Alan Smithee.
[11:26] wdalphin: A Clay Aiken Christmas. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437921/
[11:27] jakothewoods: W
[11:27] jakothewoods: T
[11:27] jakothewoods: F????
[11:27] wdalphin: I'm not sure yet what my next choice will be.
[11:27] jakothewoods: that's horrifying. People should be held accountable for things like this
[11:28] wdalphin: possibly Death Machine... maybe I'l subject you to Yokai Monsters, but I don't want to do japanese cinema twice in a row.
[11:28] jakothewoods: fair enough and thank god. :)
[11:28] wdalphin: Maybe Maniac Cop or Battle Beyond the Stars.
[11:28] wdalphin: we'll see!
[11:29] jakothewoods: those sound good. I'm going to make you watch lifeforce after this
[11:29] wdalphin: I own lifeforce.
[11:29] wdalphin: Lifeforce is classic.
[11:29] jakothewoods: then you won't have to vie with me for Netflix's only copy. :)
[11:29] wdalphin: but it's something we've both already seen...
[11:29] jakothewoods: Lifefarce is funny.
[11:30] jakothewoods: Oh, all right. Maybe some other time then
[11:30] wdalphin: I could discuss Lifeforce today if need be.
[11:30] jakothewoods: I couldn't. I haven't seen it recently.
[11:30] jakothewoods: Not in years, in fact.
[11:30] wdalphin: Hot space vampire chick walks around London bareass naked.
[11:30] wdalphin: zombie riot ensues.

Conclusion:
Jak: ***
Wil: ***