[09:15] wdalphin: yo
[09:15] jakothewoods: hola
[09:15] wdalphin: so...
[09:16] wdalphin: you saw both Ongbak AND Exterminator City.
[09:16] jakothewoods: can't talk movie right now, I'm actually setting out for class in like 10 minutes.
[09:16] jakothewoods: I did see them both.
[09:16] wdalphin: I'm curious as to whether the urge to jump or vomit prevailed.
[09:16] jakothewoods: And you will get an earful
[09:16] wdalphin: alright.
[09:16] jakothewoods: around 2:10.
[09:17] jakothewoods: Steph doesn't think you should be allowed to pick movies anymore btw. :)
[09:17] wdalphin: I can guess which movie encouraged THAT response.
[09:18] jakothewoods: she was impressed (not necessarily in a good way) with the "dive right in" attitude with the nudity. Full frontal before we even see the title. classy.
[09:18] wdalphin: Yes yes, but save it for 2:10. :)
[09:18] jakothewoods: yessir
[09:18] wdalphin: I eagerly await it!
[09:19] jakothewoods: Foolish boy.

Later that same day...

[14:12] jakothewoods: So halfway through the movie "Exterminator City" Steph gasps in shock and says "That girl isn't naked!"
[14:14] wdalphin: I am shocked... SHOCKED to hear that there was any nudity in that movie.
[14:15] jakothewoods: It's funny - the robots - the only beings in the movie for which clothing was superfluous - were in suits and ties.
[14:15] jakothewoods: Oh and Wil?
[14:15] jakothewoods: That was a truly horrible movie.
[14:16] wdalphin: Yes, yes it was.
[14:16] jakothewoods: It's the kind of movie that even connoisseurs of bad movies spit upon.
[14:17] wdalphin: The confusing part is that the DVD itself showed a picture of two men on it... however the movie had no men. The world it portrayed was comprised of robots, bugs, Satan, and lots of naked women, who seemed frightened of robots and bugs ... and Satan.
[14:17] jakothewoods: I mean, some movies are good because they're bad. This was like the antimatter bad - it was so bad it was BAD.
[14:17] wdalphin: It really deserves a whole new word to describe how bad it was.
[14:17] jakothewoods: Was there an instance of a naked wmoan and satan in the movie? I missed that. Although I did notice, and even pointed out to my wife, the men on the DVD proper.
[14:18] wdalphin: Well no, but if a robot scared them that bad, I imagine seeing Satan would too.
[14:20] jakothewoods: Did you notice, when they visited that one woman who was attacked and lived, that her voice and attitude changed completely? I mean sure, none of the woman had phenomenal speaking parts (I believe the first line a woman actually had was three naked chicks dead already, and her first words were "Ooowwww" said in a Roseanne-like voice) - but this one changed from, well, nothing, honestly, to "Hey man, like, leave me alone!" said in a voice that sounded like a man trying to sound like a woman.
[14:20] wdalphin: If I could find a comparable analogy to watching that movie, it would be akin to biting the tip of my tongue off after getting a thorny birch rod stuck sideways up my ass.
[14:21] jakothewoods: I thought it sounded like David Hasselhoff's career dying.
[14:21] wdalphin: Yeah, I think they could only afford a few minutes of the actresses' time, so they couldn't get them to read lines for later scenes.
[14:22] wdalphin: I thought it was kind of amusing how no matter what way they died (most died from blunt trauma to the head), they all looked like a giant pile of meat with googly eyeballs afterward.
[14:22] jakothewoods: I think THE most comprehensve thing that a woman said in that movie was "Sometimes I get so lonely" as she lay naked on her bed, reading a magazine, and how it was relevant to ANYTHING escapes me.
[14:22] jakothewoods: I thought they looked like pink playdoh.
[14:22] wdalphin: I think Play-doh probably cost more than they had budget for.
[14:23] jakothewoods: Did you notice that no matter what one robot said, the other always had a completely irrelevant catchphrase to counter with?
"Son-of-a-bitch hacked the system!"
"Hey, man, make my day."
[14:23] jakothewoods: And the "swordfight for relaxation" scene. What the hell?
[14:24] jakothewoods: I think the script was possibly written by a non-english speaking norwegian. Who was blind. And possibly retarded. But had an eiditic memory.
[14:24] wdalphin: I think that the movie did a good job of portraying the deep-seated psychosis and troubled mind of one person.
[14:24] wdalphin: That person being Clive Cohen.
[14:25] jakothewoods: And the people who voiced the robots!!! What's with the east-coast "Idear" "warsh" and whatnot? And ALL the robots spoke like that!
[14:25] jakothewoods: Or was it just one person voicing all the robots?
[14:25] wdalphin: Maybe it was set in a futuristic east coast city.
[14:25] jakothewoods: AND THE ROBOTS THEMSELVES!
[14:26] jakothewoods: I checked the DVD jacket before (happily) sending the movie back, and it said the movie was made in 2005.
[14:26] jakothewoods: TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING FIVE!
[14:26] jakothewoods: How the hell do movies like that get made LAST YEAR?
[14:26] wdalphin: People have dreams.
[14:26] wdalphin: Visions.
[14:27] wdalphin: They aspire to be porn directors.
[14:27] jakothewoods: Clive had acid-trip nightmares apparently.
[14:27] wdalphin: But they can't afford the salaries of most famous porn stars.
[14:27] wdalphin: So they pay them $10 to stand naked in their home and scream for ten seconds.
[14:27] wdalphin: And then they write a story around it.
[14:28] wdalphin: "Well, Clive, now we've got a half hour of footage of screaming, topless women. What should we do with it?"
[14:28] wdalphin: "Let's make a science fiction movie!"
[14:28] jakothewoods: I'd like to submit that those "porn stars" were awful too. I mean, -I- can scream like a girl better than they can.
[14:28] wdalphin: "about robots!"
[14:28] wdalphin: "It'll be deep and philosophical!"
[14:29] jakothewoods: This movie would have been a whole lot better if I'd had a fifth of Jaegermeister to go with it.
[14:29] jakothewoods: At least then I'd have had a chance of passing out at some point.
[14:29] jakothewoods: And I think the booze would have killed fewer brain cells.
[14:29] wdalphin: I hope Stephanie wasn't traumatized.
[14:30] wdalphin: I should have warned you about the graphic depictions of violence.
[14:30] jakothewoods: She hates you. She went around and tore up every picture of you she could find, and then peed on the confetti. And then set it on fire.
[14:30] wdalphin: What, does she pee gasoline?
[14:30] jakothewoods: Actually, she just said that you should be ashamed of yourself for watching a movie like that, and she wonders what Melissa thought of you watching it.
[14:31] wdalphin: Hey hey now... I had no idea it was going to be like a bad Skinemax movie.
[14:31] wdalphin: And for the record, I tend to watch movies like that in the early weekend mornings, before Melissa ever even wakes up.
[14:32] jakothewoods: I can't think of anything more to say. Seriously. Those of you who read this (breaking fourth wall) - DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. YOU WILL HAVE DEFORMED, RETARDED CHILDREN IF YOU DO. GOD WILL HATE YOU, AS HE HATES CLIVE COHEN.
[14:33] jakothewoods: I feel confined by the five star system. We need to go back in time and stop this movie from ever being made.
[14:33] wdalphin: And if it makes you feel any better, I cut out these long strips of paper, coloring them black with a Marks-a-lot brand permanent marker, punched holes in the center of each, tied a string through them, the other end to little sticks I gathered from our front yard, and dangled them in front of my eyes to properly mask any female flesh that may have been shown.
[14:33] wdalphin: Although, in retrospect, I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off just blacking my eyes out with that marker.
[14:34] jakothewoods: I give this movie nothing, as it has left me an empty shell. I feel out of snych with the world, and intend to take up a life of freebasing talcum powder, just to try to feel the pain.
[14:35] wdalphin: I gave it one star, and I agree, one is too much. I'm disappointed that Netflix won't allow me to assign something no stars. It's confusing! Someone will look and go, "hey, it got one star, at least it didn't get no stars!" THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS NO STARS... OTHERWISE IT WOULD BE THERE, TRUST US.
[14:35] jakothewoods: It's like there was a party at Clives house, and only stupid people were invited.
[14:36] jakothewoods: there should be a secondary rating system. Like, "I give it three intestinal spasms and half an aneurism."
[14:37] wdalphin: A negative value system should definitely be in place. I give this movie four and a half dead babies.
[14:38] jakothewoods: Can we change the subject? I just ran out of Pepto-Bismal, and I'm starting to taste bile.
[14:38] wdalphin: So... Ongbak.
[14:38] jakothewoods: The Thai Warrior!
[14:38] wdalphin: That must have looked like fucking Shakespeare in comparison.
[14:39] jakothewoods: Funny, Steph was REALLY against watching Ong-Bak at first, which is why she sat down and watched... that other one with me. But after that other one, she was HAPPY to see Ong-Bak
[14:39] jakothewoods: Personally, I thought Ong-Bak was better the first time I saw it, when they were calling it Star Wars.
[14:39] wdalphin: I am glad to know that ... that OTHER movie... helped bridge the gap for your wife between not wanting to see violent movies, and wanting to see violent movies.
[14:40] wdalphin: I... wait, what?
[14:40] jakothewoods: I think she wanted to hurt something after... that other one, and strangling me isn't socially acceptable.
[14:40] jakothewoods: Oh come on. It was totally a rewrite of Star Wars.
[14:40] wdalphin: So which one was Obiwan Kenobi?
[14:41] jakothewoods: Some of the characters aren't perfectly analogous, but the old guy who was Humlei's father kind of fits.
[14:42] wdalphin: I... see.
[14:42] wdalphin: So was Ongbak's head supposed to be Princess Leia, or the plans to the Death Star?
[14:43] jakothewoods: Probably the plans. Princess Leia was the skinny "cocky" chick.
[14:43] wdalphin: So George was Han Solo?
[14:43] jakothewoods: For clarity's sake, btw, I watched this dubbed, because Steph has a hard time watching the action AND reading subtitles simultaneously.
[14:43] jakothewoods: Totally. And his name was Hum Lei.
[14:43] wdalphin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[14:44] wdalphin: So, wait, did he die in the end, or was that him on the elephant?
[14:44] jakothewoods: I think that was suposed to be him on the elephant. I was seriously confused by the ending.
[14:44] wdalphin: Me too.
[14:44] jakothewoods: It seemed kind of... abrupt.
[14:45] wdalphin: So, the guy with the throat buzzer thing... he was Darth Vader? Or the emperor? Because the emperor wasn't in Star Wars... and that guy who injected himself with whatever the fuck that stuff was seemed more like Darth Vader than the crip with the voice box.
[14:45] jakothewoods: There was a certain purity about the movie, though. I mean, kick, kick, punch, kick, chase scene involving go-karts, kick, kick...
[14:46] wdalphin: I liked the chase scene. It really let Tony Jaa show off some of his other talents.
[14:46] jakothewoods: That guy who injected himself bothered me. I mean, anyone who's willing to inject some kind of steroidal something into their NIPPLE is compensating for something.
[14:46] wdalphin: like doing splits while sliding under trucks.
[14:46] jakothewoods: And leaping up and doing splits over pointy things.
[14:47] wdalphin: So was Mr. Nipple-poker Darth Vader?
[14:47] jakothewoods: Yeah, I guess. Although he took two knees to the chest, instead of losing his hand...
[14:47] wdalphin: And the two knees to the chest were like two proton grenades down a ventilator shaft.
[14:48] wdalphin: causing the giant Death Star Ongbak head to collapse upon the emeperor.
[14:48] jakothewoods: I think my main reason for comparing it to star wars was the whole "country boy with special talent (force/Thai Muay) goes to civilisation to fight the evil ones!"
[14:48] wdalphin: I suppose that first fight was like the Cantina brawl.
[14:48] jakothewoods: Totally. Over really quickly, but just enough to make you see the power of Mauy Thai.
[14:49] jakothewoods: Trust in Mauy Thai, young Ting. Let go.
[14:49] wdalphin: That mad dog guy was a dick.
[14:49] jakothewoods: Hahaha.
[14:49] jakothewoods: He was a frat boy on juice.
[14:49] jakothewoods: and he looked JUST LIKE it.
[14:49] wdalphin: I drink juice.
[14:49] jakothewoods: juice = steroids.
[14:49] wdalphin: But that doesn't encourage me to throw tables and shit.
[14:50] jakothewoods: I drink a lot of juice, and have to fight down the urge to pitch horseshoes sometimes.
[14:50] wdalphin: Yeah, me too... orange... steroids... and sometimes apple steroids.
[14:50] wdalphin: cranberries steroids too.
[14:50] jakothewoods: I had to keep making fun of the protagonist's name, too. Ting! and his brother Bing and Dong!
[14:50] wdalphin: my spelling is fucked today.
[14:50] jakothewoods: His last name was Aling.
[14:51] wdalphin: Our earlier discussion of... that OTHER film... shut off half of my brain.
[14:51] jakothewoods: You know why you shouldn't lt him drive your car?
[14:51] jakothewoods: because he'll get a ting in it.
[14:51] wdalphin: because he would drive on the wrong side of the road?
[14:52] jakothewoods: His cousin's name is Tang. He's from Viet Nam.
[14:52] wdalphin: You know what this movie would be like without him?
[14:52] wdalphin: no ting.
[14:52] jakothewoods: :-D Nice.
[14:53] jakothewoods: and if they added a clone of him, it would be sum Ting.
[14:54] wdalphin: i noticed they filmed some of the scenes in the early hours of the morning.
[14:54] wdalphin: that seems like a very dawn ting task.
[14:54] jakothewoods: howzat?
[14:56] wdalphin: You know what he's doing when he brushes his teeth?
[14:56] jakothewoods: Oooo, I missed that. And now I feel nauseated.
[14:56] jakothewoods: something ting?
[14:56] wdalphin: fluoridate ting
[14:56] jakothewoods: You remember Clive Cohen? that movie is all he's ever done. EVER. I wonder why...
[14:56] jakothewoods: I just checked. :(
[14:56] jakothewoods: I am ashamed.
[14:57] wdalphin: I know.
[14:57] wdalphin: I checked after watching it too.
[14:57] wdalphin: tap
[14:57] wdalphin: tap
[14:57] wdalphin: tap
[14:57] wdalphin: tap
[14:57] wdalphin: tap
[14:57] wdalphin: getting the name off my screen.
[14:57] jakothewoods: :-D
[14:57] wdalphin: everytime I see it, I throw up in my mouth a little more.
[14:58] wdalphin: and I've been eating runts.
[14:58] jakothewoods: Interesting - One of the names that is listed next to Humlae, other than "George," is "Dirty Balls."
[14:58] wdalphin: do you know what it's like to regurgitate one of those watermelons?
[14:58] jakothewoods: Yuck. Or a banana. I prefer the grapes.
[14:58] wdalphin: there are no grapes.
[14:58] wdalphin: you are confused.
[14:58] jakothewoods: I am confused. There are no grapes.
[14:59] wdalphin: As for George's nickname, I... think I'll take their word for it.
[14:59] jakothewoods: I love the cast list for Ong-Bak. Ting, Humlae, Muay Lek, Komtuan and Don.
[14:59] jakothewoods: DON
[14:59] wdalphin: DON
[14:59] wdalphin: Don was mean.
[15:00] jakothewoods: Didn't Don get his teeth kicked in or something.
[15:00] wdalphin: and he wasn't just a guy named Don... he was DON.
[15:00] wdalphin: Who stole the Ongbak head? Don did.
[15:00] wdalphin: Where the fuck is Don? Oh, there's Don.
[15:00] jakothewoods: Who fed the poor prostitute too much smack? Don did!
[15:00] wdalphin: He must be the only guy in the country named Don.
[15:00] wdalphin: Don got his motorcycle helmet split in half on his head.
[15:01] jakothewoods: Don took an elbow to the top of his head quite a few times, too.
[15:02] wdalphin: yeah well, Don deserved it.
[15:02] jakothewoods: that move, btw, looked like it would hurt the person who did it as much or more than the person who got it done to them. I mean, the skull is a HARD piece of bone...
[15:02] wdalphin: In Muay Thai, you are trained not to feel pain.
[15:02] jakothewoods: truly?
[15:02] wdalphin: Except for bullets... those sting.
[15:03] wdalphin: Yes, cross my heart and hope to die.
[15:03] wdalphin: Which is what I've been doing ever since I saw.. that OTHER film.
[15:03] jakothewoods: Oh, right. I remember the bullets...
[15:04] wdalphin: I wanted Ting to fall to the ground after he got shot and be like "FUCK! BULLETS! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!"
[15:04] jakothewoods: I think the falling down was sufficient for us to understand that. After all, he was shot at SEVERAL times, but he was only HIT once.
[15:05] wdalphin: well the guy with the gun was a crip.
[15:05] wdalphin: They don't have the greatest aim in the world.
[15:05] wdalphin: Especially those thalidomide babies.
[15:05] jakothewoods: Oh, and then the old guy is holding the gun on him, about to shoot him, and George comes flying out of no where and creams the old guy with a piece of timber. I was screaming "Yeah man! Beat that old cripple!" That was totally George's style. Take on the gimp.
[15:06] wdalphin: Hey now, George had a broken arm.
[15:06] wdalphin: He was a crip by then too.
[15:07] jakothewoods: I maintain that it wouldn't matter. George would naturally gravitate towards beating up the cripple. It's just his style.
[15:07] wdalphin: well, when it's you (George) and your superhuman cousin, Ting, versus a guy in a wheelchair and a muscle-bound hulk with five needles sticking out of his man-tit... I think ANYONE by the name of George would lean toward fighting the wheelchair guy.
[15:08] wdalphin: Hell, if my name were Ting, I would change my name to George just so I could beat up the guy in the hweelchair and avoid Super Needular Mantit.
[15:09] jakothewoods: Did Mantit have something wrong with his eyes, btw? it seemed like one was blue and one was whitish or something. And when Ting went ballistic at the end, his eyes seemed to "catch on fire."
[15:09] wdalphin: I don't know, I was too distracted by his glistening masculine frame.
[15:10] jakothewoods: and the needles in his nipple.
[15:11] wdalphin: How could you not notice his needled abs?
[15:11] wdalphin: Said in a Hanz and or Franz manner.
[15:12] jakothewoods: I'm sorry, I was not looking at his needled abs. I was admiring his thighs.
[15:13] wdalphin: Who do you think would win in a fight: Tony Jaa or Bruce Lee?
[15:13] wdalphin: IT MUST BE ASKED.
[15:14] jakothewoods: Tony Jaa is quick, flexible, and apparently a master of Mauy Thai. Bruce Lee INVENTED A NEW MARTIAL ART.
[15:14] jakothewoods: Bruce would kick Tony's ass and then ask him if he wanted another helping.
[15:14] wdalphin: Yes, but I must point out that, at this moment, Bruce Lee is currently deceased.
[15:14] jakothewoods: that just makes him harder to hit.
[15:15] wdalphin: I concure. Tony Jaa would collapse from exhaustion after punching the ground by Bruce Lee's grave for hours.
[15:16] jakothewoods: Stupid Question. Now, the real question is, who would win, Tony Jaa, or Walker, Texas Ranger?
[15:17] wdalphin: Tony Jaa, because Walker, Texas Ranger is a fictional character.
[15:17] wdalphin: Do you think that if we re-animated Bruce Lee, his zombified corpse would be as fast as he was in real life?
[15:17] jakothewoods: I can't remember his name. You know, the guy who plays Walker.
[15:18] jakothewoods: No, but I think his zombified form would still equate to what we think of as "superzombie" just because he WAS so fast before.
[15:18] wdalphin: Chuck Norris?
[15:19] jakothewoods: THAT'S who I'm talkin' 'bout!
[15:20] wdalphin: Well, in the interest of appealing to the internet zombies who are still latched on to that fad... Tony Jaa versus Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick Tony Jaa so hard he would be knocked back in time and back up into his mother's womb where he would split into spermatazoa and egg, each of which would hurtle further backward into the genitalia of his seperate parents who would then themselves be knocked flat on their asses by the power of it all.
[15:21] jakothewoods: The man hose tears cure cancer.
[15:21] jakothewoods: I weep to hear that 1> I'm an internet zombie and 2> that I'm about three monthes behind everyone else. :(
[15:22] wdalphin: After all, Chuck Norris was in Revenge of the Dragon with Bruce Lee, and not even Zombie Bruce Lee, but living Bruce Lee.
[15:22] jakothewoods: Fair enough. He has that "glaze of greatness."
[15:22] wdalphin: Yeah.
[15:23] jakothewoods: What would you give Ong Bak, my brother?
[15:23] wdalphin: I think Bruce Lee might have accidentally flung some of his super sweat during one of the fight scenes and it got absorbed into Chucky's skin.
[15:23] wdalphin: 3 stars.
[15:23] jakothewoods: because...
[15:23] wdalphin: I've seen better fighting movies, but it was entertaining.
[15:23] jakothewoods: Fair enough. Two stars, because I liked it better with the laser swords and aliens.
[15:24] wdalphin: And... that OTHER movie... we both gave one stars, right?
[15:24] wdalphin: but only because there was nothing lower.
[15:24] jakothewoods: I gave it no stars. I wish to never be reminded of it again.
[15:24] jakothewoods: I refuse to be held to that outdated mode of review! NO STARS FOR IT!
[15:24] wdalphin: Fair enough.
[15:24] wdalphin: I will keep your earlier rating of intestinal heaves and what not.
[15:25] jakothewoods: I like that. And it was spasms, not heaves.
[15:25] wdalphin: whatever.
[15:25] jakothewoods: And our next movie...
[15:25] jakothewoods: RED DAWN!
[15:25] jakothewoods: Starring Patrick Swayze.
[15:25] jakothewoods: :-D
[15:25] wdalphin: I've seen a bit of that.
[15:25] wdalphin: But not all of it.
[15:25] wdalphin: I guess it counts!
[15:26] jakothewoods: Okie dokie then.
[15:26] wdalphin: nono
[15:26] wdalphin: it counts as our next movie.
[15:26] jakothewoods: Young Patrick and the rest of his high school football team take on the russians, in this early '80's near-sci-fi classic!
[15:26] wdalphin: near?
[15:26] wdalphin: near sci fi, or near classic?
[15:26] jakothewoods: would you call it sci-fi?
[15:26] jakothewoods: near sci-fi
[15:27] wdalphin: uh
[15:27] wdalphin: hmmm
[15:27] wdalphin: I suppose alternate histories count as sci fi
[15:27] jakothewoods: Young Patrick and the rest of his high school football team take on the ruskis in this early '80's action thriller flick!
[15:28] wdalphin: Red Dawn being the middle of the famous "Rojo" trilogy... Red Sonja and Crimson Tide being the first and third respectively.
[15:29] jakothewoods: Mmm. Red Sonja. That was a decent AD&D-inspiring movie.
[15:29] jakothewoods: Crimson Tide was Enh.

Conclusions:
Exterminator City:
Jak: Three intestinal spasms and half an aneurism
Wil: Four and a half dead babies

OngBak: The Thai Warrior
Jak: **
Wil: ***