[09:50] jakothewoods: You're aware of my inordinate fondness of monkies, are you not?
[09:50] wdalphin: "inordinate" would not be the word I would use, but yes.
[09:51] jakothewoods: Do you know what I've decided is even better than a barrel of monkies?
[09:51] wdalphin: sex?
[09:51] jakothewoods: A GOON SQUAD OF APES WIELDING A FIREHOSE AND SPRAYING DOWN SMOKERS!
[09:52] wdalphin: That was certainly a bizarre moment.
[09:52] jakothewoods: It made me cry with joy.
[09:52] jakothewoods: Yea, verily. The entire movie made me justa little bit happier.
[09:53] jakothewoods: It was like a... Like a...
[09:53] wdalphin: I liked the part where she was watching the anti-smoking movie with the crowd of scientist-like people, and then afterward she fumbled, looking for a cigarette, and this scientist politely offered one to her, and after she lit it, they all turned and started hitting her with cattle prods.
[09:53] jakothewoods: ...like a spring rain!
[09:53] jakothewoods: Isn't that how most people react to smoking these days?
[09:54] wdalphin: I thought the movie was supposed to be some sort of "payback" for something that you felt was an offense to you... but it was delightful!
[09:55] wdalphin: The special effects in it were pretty damned good for a movie that seemed like it was made on a shoestring budget.
[09:55] jakothewoods: Well, you know, I'd never actually seen the entire movie through before - having been restrained in my viewing of it by others.
[09:55] wdalphin: You say that, but I still say that you never tried to make me watch it.
[09:56] wdalphin: The only time I ever watched horror movies with you at all, let alone on a "burrito night" was that Halloween, where *I* picked all the movies.
[09:56] jakothewoods: You know, I don't know if it WAS made on a shoestring budget, or they just played it up like it was... it had a certain smell of... parody to me. Just a little.
[09:56] jakothewoods: I don't remember burrito nights with great clarity. There was often a great deal of alcohol involved.
[09:56] wdalphin: You may have tried to watch it with George and Eric.
[09:56] jakothewoods: on my end, anyway.
[09:57] wdalphin: I would not have turned it down.
[09:57] jakothewoods: one-a yous. And Matt was there too.
[09:57] wdalphin: Especially after such a great opening.
[09:57] wdalphin: The hooker with the top of her head sawn off was very realistic looking. That's what really impressed me. It didn't look like a dummy or a mannequin.
[09:58] jakothewoods: Y'know.... hookers are a dinme a dozen in hollywood, and they're all trying to get into acting. I'm sure it wasn't that hard to find one willing to have her brainpan sawn through.
[09:58] wdalphin: It looked pretty real, didn't it?
[10:00] wdalphin: I loved the scene at the Egyptian restaurant, where they kept looking over at the ominous bad guy and his little gang of ninjas, and the ninjas kept jumping to their feet everytime they were glanced at.
[10:00] jakothewoods: My favorite part (otther than the scene with the smoke-conscious gorillas, which was my FAVORITE favorite) was the scene where the evil chick is holding the eyedropper of "virgin's tears" over the tank of blood, arguing with her lackey as to whether the apparition in the doorway is or is not Anubis, Lord of the Dead. Who cares, right? Just drop the drip of virgin's tears and kill him already!
[10:00] wdalphin: "I think I know Anubis when I see him!"
[10:01] jakothewoods: You mean the Egyptian Ninjas that turned out to be chicks in parachute pants and sequin-covered bras?
[10:01] wdalphin: Yes, those ninjas.
[10:01] wdalphin: They cracked me up.
[10:01] jakothewoods: *nods* Those were some decent ninjas. Near-East Ninjas.
[10:02] jakothewoods: I was also fond of the residual energy that would crackle through Sweeny's wife's hair on ocassion.
[10:02] wdalphin: You know, Jackie Cairo went on to play a regularly used, esteemed hispanic judge on Law & Order.
[10:02] wdalphin: For the longest time I thought Sweeney's name was Sweety.
[10:03] jakothewoods: Really. Did his proclivity for topless photography ever come out in the show?
[10:04] wdalphin: No, he's just a semi-regular. You know, one of those actors they use more than once to add a bit of realism.
[10:05] jakothewoods: Ah. They probably found out about it, and disbarred him.
[10:07] wdalphin: The actor who played Sweeney went on to play one of the first ever seen Ferengi on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
[10:07] jakothewoods: He and his wife looked like they were Ferrengi to begin with. I'll bet they were fifth columnists on earth.
[10:07] wdalphin: and, what amuses me the most... the actress who played Deedee hasn't been in anything since, until just last year, she was in The Producers with Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane.
[10:08] jakothewoods: Can you blame anyone for not hiring her? Her most intriguing character feature was her hiccupping.
[10:09] jakothewoods: Seriously, I think the most fun character was Sweeny's wife, and that was from a certain "horrified" standpoint. she certainly got the most memorable scenes.
[10:09] wdalphin: Apparently, the evil bitch queen was a 70s porn star.
[10:09] jakothewoods: Wow, this was a step up for her.
[10:10] wdalphin: aye!
[10:10] wdalphin: on the other hand, I was rather confused about her motive.
[10:10] jakothewoods: whose, the prn queens or Sweeny's wife's?
[10:10] wdalphin: or rather, the relationship of jackie cairo to Joe.
[10:11] wdalphin: I thought Jackie Cairo WAS the killer from Reno... then it seemed that he was the brother who turned in the killer.
[10:12] wdalphin: and why did Joe stop his partner from continuing to shoot at the fleeing Reno killer?
[10:13] jakothewoods: You just probably didn't follow the story well in the beginning - there was a little backstory telling how Joe knew about tis type of crime from back when he worked with Deke in Las Vegas. Jackie Cairo turned in his brother when the crimes started "getting out of hand"
[10:13] jakothewoods: Hell if I know. Although him slipping on the detached ear later in that scene, and sliding through an enormous pool of blood made me laugh out loud.
[10:15] jakothewoods: When I first heard the Police Chief talking, I thought he was using one of those throat translator things that Erma had to use, too. He could have used a gargle and a lozenge.
[10:15] wdalphin: That was amusing, but it made it seem like the killer just vanished into the sewer... he would have had to lift the sewer lid to get in there...
[10:16] wdalphin: Did you see that he shot somebody?
[10:16] wdalphin: The chief.
[10:16] wdalphin: You heard them screaming and saw someone in the background collapse.
[10:16] jakothewoods: Yeah, when he was shooting at them in his office, he missed and hit someone in the background.
[10:17] jakothewoods: This was another movie that was kinda hard to twit, wasn't it? 1> Parts of it were done extremely well, considering everything and 2> it didn't take itself very seriously.
[10:18] jakothewoods: Oh yeah! I nominate for the most disturbing part...: when Grace (evil chick) has ordered fatso to rape Deedee, and he's having... arousal problems, so Grace takes a whip to him and he gets a big smile on his face and says "That's better."
[10:19] wdalphin: hold on, I can't keep up because I'm being asked to do some stuff.
[10:19] jakothewoods: Although Fatso's head must have been held on by a ribbon or something (like in those urban legends) because all it took was one casual swipe with that big Ankh-on-a-stick to knock his head off.
[10:20] jakothewoods: Alrighty.
[10:21] wdalphin: I liked how his headless body slid down Joe, spraying him with blood... especially considering Joe's queasiness for such stuff.
[10:21] jakothewoods: Joe seemed to overcome his queasiness when battling the forces of evil.
[10:22] wdalphin: Yeah... I believe it's because it was a woman. As you remember, he was not fond of women as a result of what happened in Reno... so knowing the killer was a woman I think helped him overcome and enjoy watching her die.
[10:23] jakothewoods: "...like a spring rain..."
[10:23] jakothewoods: Nomination for best quote of the movie: Deedee: "Wait here guys, I might need back up!" Joe: "Back up my butt!"
[10:25] wdalphin: There was a bit of awkwardness later on for me... mom came to join me watching it... right at the scene in the egyptian hotel where the big fat lug offered Deedee a wide range of dildos to choose from.
[10:26] jakothewoods: Yes, what was her reaction?
[10:26] wdalphin: She was laughing all through it.
[10:26] wdalphin: I was like "heh heh... yeah... heh... dildos! heh!"
[10:26] jakothewoods: Well see? That's not awkward at all!
[10:27] jakothewoods: Grace at one point said "Nefertitties" too.
[10:27] wdalphin: And then Deedee went into that room, and the three midgets were singing that song while plastering the fat woman with peanut butter or something and we were both kinda stumped.
[10:28] jakothewoods: I thought they were buttering her. :)
[10:28] wdalphin: Mom said, "what kind of movie is this?" and all I could say was "I don't really know anymore..."
[10:28] jakothewoods: I'm typing slow 'cause 'm laughing so hard over here.
[10:28] wdalphin: I forget what the song was they were singing... was it the 7 dwarves' song?
[10:28] jakothewoods: I think it was, yes.
[10:29] wdalphin: She left when Jackie Cairo tore his face off.
[10:29] jakothewoods: that was a bit much for her, hunh? That face melting scene was definitely a step up from Raiders of The Lost Ark, I have to admit.
[10:31] wdalphin: It was pretty fabulous.
[10:31] wdalphin: I liked the blood gushing from his eye sockets.
[10:32] wdalphin: That and the topless hooker were the best effects in the movie.
[10:33] jakothewoods: What I couldn't get was why it was so hard for the police to catch a murderer who had to drag a generator around behind him!
[10:33] jakothewoods: The one in the car?
[10:33] wdalphin: And don't forget! Tomato and salmon pasta!
[10:33] wdalphin: They didn't know about the generator I'd say.
[10:33] jakothewoods: Oh yuck, man, that stuff almost made me want to hurl
[10:34] wdalphin: Everybody took such delight in making Joe puke. Sweeney was a fool to keep betting he'd hold it in.
[10:34] jakothewoods: Well, y'know, gotta back up your partner and all...
[10:34] jakothewoods: Back up my BUTT!
[10:35] wdalphin: eyeballs and intestinal track.
[10:35] wdalphin: cuz, ya know, it's just one long string.
[10:35] jakothewoods: I watched that Superman preview you posted by the way. I liked it so much I DL'ed it for our iPod.
[10:35] wdalphin: cut it off at one end and you can just "FOOMP!" suck it all out with a high-powered vacuum.
[10:35] jakothewoods: yeah, they really went for the gross-out factor on the murders.
[10:36] wdalphin: Kevin Spacey looks to be a great Lex Luthor.
[10:36] jakothewoods: "You know, that's really quite delicate work, considering the tool he was using."
[10:36] jakothewoods: Kevin Spacey will STEAL that movie.
[10:39] wdalphin: "Come on.... let me hear you say it!" "You're crazy!" "No! Hahaha! not THAT! The other one!"
[10:39] jakothewoods: Yeah, I go over that part multiple times. He's great. :)
[10:40] wdalphin: Yeah. :)
[10:41] wdalphin: KEVIN SPACEY BONER-RAMA
[10:41] jakothewoods: We seem to have finished our Pharoah's talk.
[10:41] wdalphin: You changed the subject.
[10:41] jakothewoods: I think that this movie (Pharoah's"
[10:41] wdalphin: Of course, it's hard to discuss a movie that doesn't take itself seriously.
[10:41] wdalphin: Pharaoh.
[10:42] jakothewoods: ) epitomized one of the basic rules of serial-killering. The more dead hookers, the better.
[10:42] wdalphin: I don't really care about the profession of the victim. I think the gore factor is important. I was disappointed that when Grace got squished in the car crusher, they cut away.
[10:43] jakothewoods: yeah, I was kinda hoping for the top of her head to pop of and gush Joe.
[10:43] wdalphin: however, the shorn-off head and Cairo ripping his face off were excellent.
[10:43] jakothewoods: pop off.
[10:43] wdalphin: I was imagining her tilting her head back and a fountain of blood and guts spewing upward.
[10:44] jakothewoods: Like a last vomitous breath over Joe?
[10:44] wdalphin: and as a result of watching this film, Netflix recommends I watch "Robocop: Crash and Burn".
[10:45] jakothewoods: Sweet! We ought to watch that at some ponit. Just 'cause netflix sez so.
[10:45] wdalphin: the Robocop franchise went into the toilet after the original.
[10:45] wdalphin: Watching Robocop 3 was akin to scrubbing my face with a porcupine.
[10:46] jakothewoods: well, maybe the sequel anyway.
[10:46] jakothewoods: So what are you going to inflict upon me next?
[10:46] wdalphin: It's going to be fabulous.
[10:47] wdalphin: It's a serious sci fi movie starring a member of The Brat Pack.
[10:47] wdalphin: We will be watching Spacehunter.
[10:47] jakothewoods: I am all aflutter.
[10:47] wdalphin: starring Mollie Ringwald.
[10:47] jakothewoods: I've seen Spacehunter
[10:47] wdalphin: Really? Because you didn't rate it in Netflix.
[10:48] jakothewoods: I didn't see it through netflix - and it's been like litterally over a decade, so I'll watch it if you want. :) It was on late one night on USA or something
[10:48] wdalphin: no.
[10:48] wdalphin: I'm not doing one you've seen already.
[10:48] jakothewoods: I just spoiled your day, didn't I? :(
[10:48] wdalphin: I had a back-up.
[10:48] jakothewoods: oh. Okay.
[10:48] jakothewoods: I don't feel so bad anymore. Hit me.
[10:48] wdalphin: It won't be as fun though.
[10:49] wdalphin: so feel bad.
[10:49] wdalphin: The next pick will be Exterminator City, and if you' say you've seen that, you're a damned filthy liar.
[10:49] jakothewoods: I've never even heard of it. It isn't anime is it?
[10:49] wdalphin: I
[10:49] wdalphin: have no idea.
[10:50] wdalphin: I don't think so.
[10:50] jakothewoods: okie-day.
[10:51] wdalphin: I can't believe you've seen Spacehunter.
[10:51] wdalphin: I think you're making that up.
[10:51] jakothewoods: I have. I remember almost nothing of it, but I've seen it.
[10:51] wdalphin: You just remember the name?
[10:52] jakothewoods: no, I have very clear memory of Molly Ringwald looking rather fetching in a spacesuit.
[10:52] jakothewoods: and I remember thinking that it was very odd to see her in a sci-fi movie
[10:52] wdalphin: Maybe you're thinking of Pretty in Pink.
[10:52] jakothewoods: no, she was never in a space suit in pretty in pink
[10:52] wdalphin: Sure she was.
[10:52] jakothewoods: and even if she was, I seriously doubt that she was in a space ship at the time, waving a blaster around
[10:53] wdalphin: That's how it ended... with her and Ducky in spacesuits on a ship waving blasters around.
[10:53] jakothewoods: You're in denial Wil. Deal.
[10:54] wdalphin: Spacehunter came before Sixteen Candles, so I can't imagine she looked all THAT fetching.
[10:54] jakothewoods: she did. You should watch it
[10:54] wdalphin: I confess, I'm perturbed. It has Michael Ironside and Ernie Hudson, god damnit.
[10:55] jakothewoods: Michael Ironside. He IS one of the great shakespearean actors... You should se eit
[10:55] wdalphin: not to mention it was originally filmed for 3D.
[10:55] jakothewoods: I didn't see it in 3-D
[10:56] jakothewoods: but you should
[10:56] wdalphin: it had all the fraking things you could possibly want.
[10:56] wdalphin: You can't, but it was.
[10:56] wdalphin: now everything just comes at you, kinda like watching Friday the thirteenth, part 3.
[10:57] jakothewoods: I admit, I've never seen a movie in 3-D and am not really intrigued by the idea.
[10:57] wdalphin: I saw Spy Kids 3-D.
[10:57] wdalphin: it was god awful.
[10:57] jakothewoods: How the hell did you get roped into that???
[10:57] jakothewoods: I am so sorry. I can just imagine the mental scarring
[10:57] wdalphin: it wasn't a roping, it was negotiations.
[10:58] jakothewoods: explain
[10:58] wdalphin: I wanted to see Freddy Vs. Jason... she wanted to see some crappy chick flick.
[10:58] jakothewoods: she being Melissa?
[10:58] wdalphin: We ended up saying, "fine, we'll go see something we both don't mind"... and I said, "I wouldn't mind owning a pair of 3-D glasses."
[10:58] wdalphin: Well DUH.
[10:58] jakothewoods: you fool!
[10:59] jakothewoods: Spy Kids 3-D is NOT the way to get 3-D glasses! Go to a comic book store!
[10:59] wdalphin: Afterward, I said, "Okay... we shall never negotiate on anything EVER AGAIN."
[10:59] jakothewoods: At least something good came of it all.
[10:59] wdalphin: and then I went and saw Freddy Vs Jason by myself. Not that same night. And it was good.
[10:59] jakothewoods: I've never seen it.
[11:00] wdalphin: You should.
[11:00] jakothewoods: I have a sudden urge for peanut butter.
[11:01] wdalphin: I have a sudden urge to go post the review so I can go pout.
[11:01] jakothewoods: :) Have fun. I've got Exterminator City on my queue
[11:02] wdalphin: good. Please note the average rating.
[11:02] wdalphin: This is what you get when you hit on my plans.
[11:02] wdalphin: hit = shit
[11:02] wdalphin: as in you have shat upon my wonderful plan.
[11:02] wdalphin: and now I give you shit to watch.
[11:03] wdalphin: Please also note that the only reason the movie has one star is because netflix cannot go below 1.
[11:03] jakothewoods: I look forward to it.
[11:04] jakothewoods: And so does Steph.
[11:04] wdalphin: oh, by the way... how many stars for Bloodsucking Pharaohs?
[11:05] wdalphin: I give it 4 stars. I want to give it 4 and a half, but there are no half stars. I would own this.
[11:07] jakothewoods: I give it four. I would give it five, but that would mean that I want to own it, and I don't want to own it

Conclusion:
Jak: ****
Wil: ****