[10:33] jakothewoods: Yarrr, Matey.
[10:34] wdalphin: UWE BOLL URINATED IN MY COKE
[10:34] jakothewoods: I'll bet that it's sweeter, and more nutritious for it, too.
[10:35] wdalphin: IT'S TANGY AND TASTES SLIGHTLY LIKE CHEESE DOODLES
[10:36] jakothewoods: I understand that after he makes the "old west" sequel to BloodRayne, he's going to make a third movie, where she's a robot pirate, in search of her lost love. Oh, and blood.
[10:36] wdalphin: That movie should have been rated NC-17 for unwarranted violence against monks.
[10:37] jakothewoods: They should have replaced the monks with monkeys. The monkeys might have defended their abbey better.
[10:37] wdalphin: Did you see that one monk?
[10:37] wdalphin: you KNOW which monk, of which I speak.
[10:39] jakothewoods: Which, you mean the one who got most of his shoulder cut off, in the montage, or the one who was justa head, and then a pile of bloody guts who the "Thralls" kept hacking at?
[10:39] wdalphin: THAT'S the one!
[10:39] wdalphin: The one who was being hacked at long after it was necessary.
[10:40] wdalphin: I mean, his lower half was nothing but gore, and they just kept hacking at him, despite the fact that there were other people killing thralls that they could have dealt with.
[10:40] jakothewoods: Maybe the thralls were preparing him as a meal for a really old, geriatric vampire, who needed pureed food?
[10:41] wdalphin: And in that ending montage of increased gore, they showed a lovely slow-motion shot of the thralls hacking at his twitching body, and you could see that not a single thrall was really into it. One was lazily doing a weak chopping motion at his midsection, like a sleepy butcher.
[10:41] wdalphin: I... I have pictures.
[10:42] wdalphin: I made some screen captures to discuss the skill of the violent special effects.
[10:43] wdalphin: they may be gross to people who are not gore hounds, such as we, but I wanted to point out a couple things that maybe Uwe Boll's special effects guy could do better next time.
[10:43] jakothewoods: None of the combat in that movie was particularly believable. You know what I mean? Some movies, it looks like the people are really fighting, and when the actors (or their stunt-double or whomever) do flips and kicks and all that, it looks believable. In this one, it looked lame. And Kristanna Loken is not a fighter, and she looks stupid trying to do roundhouse kicks and all that crap.
[10:43] wdalphin: Yeah, everytime she got out her double arm swords that Bloodrayne is notorious for, she seemed very nervous about waving them about.
[10:44] wdalphin: anyway, can we talk about my pictures?
[10:44] wdalphin: just for a moment.
[10:44] wdalphin: I worked very hard on them.
[10:44] wdalphin: All of five minutes this morning.
[10:44] jakothewoods: Are those really from the game by the way? What a stupid weapon. Because, you know, they MADE "blade tonfas" in medeival Europe...
[10:44] jakothewoods: Yes, where are they?
[10:45] wdalphin: Okay, hang on.
[10:45] wdalphin: First, yes, she has those in the game.
[10:45] jakothewoods: Well they're stupid.
[10:45] wdalphin: Second... okay... remember the monk who got chopped in half, and then his top half fell over as his bottom half spurted blood and fell forward?
[10:45] jakothewoods: I remember. Do I get a picture?
[10:46] wdalphin: LESSON 1 FOR FUTURE SPECIAL EFFECTS MAN: When filming a shot such as this, BE SURE TO HIDE THE FACT THAT THE ACTOR'S REAL LEGS ARE BEHIND THE FAKE LOWER HALF.

http://wildalphin.com/journal/jakandwil/fakemonk1.jpg
[10:48] jakothewoods: Nicly spotted, that. You know what I had serious trouble with throughout the combats? The fact that blood kept spraying everywhere. I mean, I know it's supposed to be bloody (because it's "BloodRayne" and her name is Rayne, and they never CALL her BloodRayne, so obviously, where's the blood element? Oh, there it is!), but blood generally doesn't spray in bursts like that from someone who's been cut.
[10:49] wdalphin: That brings me to the second item.
[10:49] wdalphin: Not but a few short seconds after fake monk 1 gets chopped in half, fake monk 2 gets slashed across the back while fighting someone, causing him to collapse as blood erupts from his spinal area...
[10:50] wdalphin: LESSON 2 FOR FUTURE SPECIAL EFFECTS MAN: When you are filming a scene where someone gets slashed and sprays blood... TRY NOT TO LET THE BLOOD HOSE GET CAUGHT BY THE CAMERA.

http://wildalphin.com/journal/jakandwil/fakemonk2.jpg
[10:51] jakothewoods: Are you sure that's what that is? Maybe that monk actually was supposed to have fallen on "random copper pipe #3" and been impaled.
[10:52] wdalphin: if you watch the moment on video, it is the hose... it's not just a moment's glance on film, the guy falls over and rolls on his side, and the hose is visible for several seconds.
[10:52] jakothewoods: do you see it spraying blood?
[10:52] wdalphin: then again, it may be a catheter.
[10:53] wdalphin: dude, it goes up the back of his monk robe, and he is spraying blood out his back.
[10:53] wdalphin: notice also that it is either tied with some sort of rope, or taped to the side of his fucking leg.
[10:54] jakothewoods: Okay. So far you're adept at sighting camera-caught mistakes on the special effects side. :) Any others?
[10:54] jakothewoods: looked taped to me.
[10:54] wdalphin: that was it.
[10:55] wdalphin: I only caught the first one because I rewound to watch him get cut in half again, and wanted to see if the special effects guy had included a spine or any internal organs in the makeup... but he had not... it was just generic gore.
[10:55] jakothewoods: All righty then. Yeah, it looked like Uwe sank all his money into trying to make some "cool fighting and gore special effects" and got ripped off, or something. And then of course, he didn't have the money as incentive to get the actors to provide anything more than a lukewarm, lameass performance.
[10:55] wdalphin: In Uwe Boll's world, we are all made of hamburger. Our insides are hamburger.
[10:56] wdalphin: Okay, so, I guess we can discuss the plot now...
[10:56] wdalphin: hahahahah
[10:56] wdalphin: oh, I crack myself up.
[10:56] jakothewoods: it was rather vaguely reminiscent of "that movie which shall not be named" and the dead hookers, wasn't it?
[10:57] wdalphin: slightly.
[10:58] wdalphin: Did you notice, maybe I was confused, but when the vampires took Rayne at the monastary, the two hunter guys go, "they've taken her. Let's head to Brimstone." ... but they don't head to Brimstone... they follow the vampires.
[10:58] wdalphin: it made more sense to follow the vampires, but that's not what they said they were going to do.
[10:58] wdalphin: Is that Uwe Boll's idea of a plot twist?
[10:59] wdalphin: what are you typing with one hand or something?
[11:00] jakothewoods: Did YOU notice that the "secret society of vampire hunters" openly wore very prominent jewelry that designated them as vampire hunters? Did you notice that EVERYONE seemed to know about them, and no one questioned their actions? Did you notice that their "hidden fortress" was just across the lake and down the road from a village, and everyone (except the vampires!) seemed to know where it was?
[11:00] wdalphin: I noticed that they walked into the carnival massacre and just started lopping off heads... the carnies didn't bother trying to clean up, and they just sat around and watched.
[11:01] wdalphin: I also noticed that two vampire hunters entered Meatloaf the vampire's lovely home and killed everybody in it without any trouble... why didn't they do that before then? They obviously knew where it was.
[11:03] jakothewoods: Yeah, the vampires in Meatloaf's lair didn't seem to take much interest in the vamp hunters. I think they were all too involved in their nude, semi-gory hedonistic delights.
[11:03] jakothewoods: Because pleasures of the flesh take precedence over self-preservation.
[11:03] wdalphin: you can't be a suave vampire like the Loaf without some random body parts hanging from chains!
[11:04] jakothewoods: And you absolutely must have a harem of naked vampires, with coyly hidden no-no parts.
[11:05] wdalphin: were they vampires?
[11:05] wdalphin: or thralls?
[11:06] jakothewoods: I'm not entirely sure.
[11:06] wdalphin: I was kinda confused at points about who was a vampire, and who was a thrall. The guy with the shaved head was a thrall right? Because he fought better than 95% of the vampires.
[11:06] jakothewoods: The guy with the shaved head was a vampire, I'm fairly certain.
[11:07] wdalphin: his throat was made of play-doh.
[11:07] wdalphin: all the heroic vampire hunter had to do was hold his sword in front of his neck, and it came open.
[11:08] jakothewoods: The problem I had was that whoever did the writing for this movie subscribes to the whole "it's okay for vampires to be out, as long as it's cloudy and they're not getting any sun" belief. This is evident in "Van Helsing" too. Bullshit folks! It's not just "direct daylight" that they hate, it's dayTIME. Vampires are non-functional during the dayTIME. They can't just walk out with a parasol and go "dumdedum, it's not touching meeeee."
[11:09] wdalphin: can a dhampir turn a person into a vampire?
[11:09] jakothewoods: Hell if I know - that occured to me too. They were awfully quick to kill that girl in the beginning who was Rayne's friend. "Oh, you were bit?" Lop, there goes her head. They didn't even TRY to help her.
[11:09] wdalphin: If we're going to get scientific, isn't the sun ALWAYS shining? It's just on the other side of the Earth. So really, when a vampire comes out at night, they are just hiding in the big shadow the earth casts by being turned away from the ever-present sun.
[11:11] jakothewoods: I'm not being scientific, Wil. There are clearly defined times of NIGHT and DAY. You're being scientific. The entire vampire legend isn't "scientific," because it's based on folklore and not understanding nature - so you can't view it in scientific terms. But NIGHT and DAY are two very definite states.
[11:11] wdalphin: What if a vampire got into a jet that was flying at the same speed that the Earth turns... could he remain indefinitely active?
[11:12] wdalphin: How about if a vampire got on board a space station that orbited the earth in such a way that it was always on the far side from the sun?
[11:13] wdalphin: ooo... or if vampires hid in the cold, cold north, where nights and days last months.!
[11:13] jakothewoods: Getting back to the plot... I just have to say something about the love interest/sex scene thing. So, Rayne identifies with the young hunter, because he's had loved ones killed, because he's had loved ones who became evil, whatever. So three days later, she jumps him, tears off his pants, and does some acrobatic jail-bar sex with him for five minutes. But she doesn't try to save him, or carry him to safety or anything at the end of the movie.
[11:14] wdalphin: he wanted to die.
[11:14] wdalphin: I don't blame him.
[11:14] jakothewoods: Yeah, the shorter a part you had in this movie, the better.
[11:14] wdalphin: If I were ever to become the hero of a Uwe Boll picture, I would want to die too.
[11:14] jakothewoods: That's why Billy Zane only appeared twice, for a total of maybe seven minutes.
[11:14] jakothewoods: ...because he knew to truncate his association with this film.
[11:15] wdalphin: the jail sex was rather odd though... it's like he knew what was going on, but how the hell could he? This was a Dhampir who had days ago been going crazy with bloodlust and stuck some ancient vampire eye in her head.
[11:15] wdalphin: Billy Zane lived!
[11:15] wdalphin: I think therein lies the true happy ending.
[11:16] wdalphin: It' so hard to find a good Billy Zane movie where he doesn't die.
[11:16] jakothewoods: yeah, the jail-sex was a surprise. They got her in the cell when they first brought her to the fortress, and he didn't trust her, even wanted to kill her. Three days later he and she are going at it, because honestly, who cares if she's half-vampire, as long as she'll stick her chest in his face, right?
[11:16] jakothewoods: Technically, Billy Zane was dead the entire movie, since he was a vampire.
[11:17] wdalphin: The whole Billy Zane - Michelle Rodriguez thing was weird.
[11:17] wdalphin: Billy Zane's daughter is an angry latino?
[11:17] jakothewoods: yes, because they look so much alike, you know.
[11:18] wdalphin: And she still corresponds with her vampire father? Why does Brimstone let her stay, when she writes letters to vampires on a regular basis?
[11:18] jakothewoods: I'm not fond of Rodriguez in general. She's not a bad actress, as far as unrelenting anger and withheld emotional problems goes. But she can't really do any other emotion.
[11:18] wdalphin: If I were the boss at Brimstone, and one of my underlings had a father who was a vampire, I would be sure to read her mail before she does.
[11:19] jakothewoods: well, scorn and sarcasm. She does a good lip-curling sneer.
[11:19] jakothewoods: Who WAS the boss at Brimstone, anyway?
[11:19] wdalphin: After all, hero guy (william Sanderson)'s parents were killed by whats his face after they got turned into vampires.
[11:20] wdalphin: I think Michael Madsen was.
[11:20] wdalphin: and his name was..... Vladimir.
[11:20] jakothewoods: How snarky is that?
[11:20] wdalphin: and Will Sanderson was Domastir
[11:21] wdalphin: So, Vladimir killed both of Domastir's parents, but Katarin (Rodriguez)'s father gets to live, just because he used to be a Brimstone member?
[11:21] wdalphin: meanwhile, he's writing her letters, asking her to betray them for him... and she does!
[11:22] jakothewoods: Is Will Sanderson famous or something? He seemed like just another "Paul Walker, pretty face gone rough and rugged, plug generic actor in tough young hero role" actor.
[11:23] wdalphin: heh, and they all sit around the lunch table, talking about how taken the whole Brimstone society is by Rayne... and the little boy runs up and asks her to show him her teeth. "HISSSS!!! " Hahaha! She's a deadly menace! Marvelous!
[11:23] wdalphin: Will Sanderson IS famous... but not in a good way.
[11:23] wdalphin: Will Sanderson has been in every Uwe Boll movie made since House of the Dead.
[11:23] jakothewoods: He was in Alone in the Dark?
[11:24] wdalphin: yep
[11:24] wdalphin: he was the head of the special unit division that got wiped out when the creatures attacked the mine.
[11:24] jakothewoods: News to me. Of course, we turned that movie off a quarter of the way through the needless, gratuitous sex scene that occured like five minutes into the movie.
[11:25] wdalphin: oh well.
[11:25] wdalphin: Will Sanderson and Uwe Boll are friends.
[11:25] wdalphin: I guess it works well for Will... he gets paid thanks to German investors.
[11:25] wdalphin: And he doesn't have to work too hard.
[11:25] jakothewoods: Is Will Sanderson mildly mentally retarded?
[11:26] wdalphin: nah, he just has his finger in the Uwe Boll pot, and he's not taking it out any time soon.
[11:26] jakothewoods: A finger in Uwe Boll's WHAT?!?!?!
[11:26] jakothewoods: Man, I'd never whore for a life of ease...
[11:26] jakothewoods: Well, maybe for a life of ease...
[11:26] wdalphin: he seems to have fun.
[11:27] wdalphin: and Uwe Boll has fun.
[11:27] wdalphin: that's the one thing I won't fault Uwe Boll for... his movies may suck huge amounts of ass, but he really enjoys making them.
[11:27] wdalphin: he is a fanatic film maker.
[11:27] jakothewoods: Did you watch this movie with the director's commentary?
[11:27] wdalphin: he's insane, clearly, but he's having a good old time, and riding the wave of "success".
[11:28] wdalphin: No, I didn't think it would be fair to get to watch it that way when you didn't.
[11:28] jakothewoods: You should have watched it the way you liked. :) I'm fine with that, if it gives you more insight into Uwe Boll's twisted abyss of a mind.
[11:29] jakothewoods: You know, look into the abyss, and the abyss looks into you.
[11:29] wdalphin: I already know Uwe Boll's mind.
[11:30] jakothewoods: I would never put my own sanity at such risk.
[11:30] wdalphin: It goes something like this: "I MAKE GREAT MOVIES. I MAKE BETTER MOVIES THAN MOVIES THAT ARE HERALDED AS THE BEST. NOBODY APPRECIATES MY MOVIES. I BLAME INTERNET NERDS FOR MY CRITICISM. MY MOVIES ARE AWESOME. MY NEXT MOVIE WILL BE ABOUT NAKED WOMEN SAVING THE WORLD WITH LOTS OF GUNS."
[11:31] wdalphin: "WHEN IS MY OSCAR ARRIVING? I CALLED AND THEY SAID TO WAIT BY THE MAILBOX, BUT IT HASN'T SHOWN."
[11:31] jakothewoods: That's lovely, but for true effect, it should be in some kind of flowery "british penmanship" style font.
[11:31] wdalphin: He's not British.
[11:31] wdalphin: He's German.
[11:32] jakothewoods: It doesn't matter. It's the look of the thing, not where it came from.
[11:32] jakothewoods: You concrete ape.
[11:32] wdalphin: German penmanship is probably more aggressive and angry than British penmanship.
[11:33] wdalphin: If he were British, he'd be all "My movies really interfere with my tea time. I wish I could talk somebody else into sitting in my chair while I go get a crumpet and play some wiggledy in the backroom with Will Sanderson again."
[11:34] jakothewoods: "WIGGLEDY"??
[11:34] wdalphin: mumbledy peg.
[11:34] jakothewoods: I like the term wiggledy more. It sounds vaguely homoerotic.
[11:35] wdalphin: it *was* homoerotic.
[11:35] jakothewoods: Success!
[11:36] wdalphin: let's just say they don't use a knife when they play mumbledy peg.
[11:37] jakothewoods: Poink poink!
[11:37] wdalphin: Uwe Boll and Will Sanderson, up in a tree
[11:37] wdalphin: K-I-S-S-I-N-G
[11:38] wdalphin: First comes House of Dead, then comes Alone in the Dark
[11:38] wdalphin: Then comes Will Sanderson pushing a baby carriage!
[11:39] jakothewoods: I think the movie would have been vastly improved if Kristanna Loken hadn't had any lines. Maybe if she'd just mimed her intent, when she really needed to communicate.
[11:39] wdalphin: They could make a Uwe Boll porno movie, called "All Hands on Dick"
[11:39] wdalphin: I think pantomime is the wrong idea for a woman who has enough trouble acting as it is.
[11:40] wdalphin: hmmm... if Uwe Boll DID make a porno, it'd probably be Leisure Suit Larry.
[11:40] jakothewoods: She made a good Terminator for just that reason. "No emotional presence? Face like a wooden board? Make her the robot!"
[11:41] wdalphin: Clearly, she is missing out on her true calling... modelling clothes in a department store with other mannequins.
[11:42] wdalphin: I read that Michael Madsen threw himself off the roof of his house after this movie came out.
[11:42] wdalphin: But he lives in someone's shed, so he only broke his nose.
[11:43] jakothewoods: That might be an improvement to his looks.
[11:43] jakothewoods: Hey, Uwe Boll should make a movie based on SPANC: http://www.sjgames.com/spanc/ . Then he can rewrite it so it's about mutant turtles.
[11:43] wdalphin: He should get his nose hairs caught in a power drill and have his face ripped off. Then he could have them remove the skin from his butt and graft it onto his face!
[11:44] wdalphin: That's ridiculous... there's an actual game about mutant turtles... that defies Uwe Boll Logic.
[11:45] jakothewoods: There's an actual game about SPANC, not mutant turtles.
[11:45] wdalphin: I want to put Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Kristianna Loken, Meatloaf, and all the rest of the cast of Bloodrayne in a giant blender.
[11:45] wdalphin: But Billy Zane will be spared.
[11:45] wdalphin: We must always spare Billy Zane.
[11:46] wdalphin: there IS an actual game about mutant turtles!
[11:46] jakothewoods: I think Meatlof can be forgiven, because he's a big cute screwball anyway, and besides, I get the distinct feeling that he participated in this movie because he knew it was going to be a pointless mishmash, and he just wanted to have some fun. And hey, they're paying him for it so why not?
[11:46] wdalphin: It's called... of all things... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
[11:46] jakothewoods: Billy Zane needs to be covered in bees.
[11:46] wdalphin: you know, all those naked women in Meatloaf's scene... they were real live prostitutes.
[11:47] wdalphin: Leave Billy Zane alone!
[11:47] wdalphin: I'll kill you!
[11:48] jakothewoods: How do you know they were real live prostitutes?
[11:48] wdalphin: because IMDb tells me so.
[11:48] wdalphin: And it never lies!
[11:49] jakothewoods: where do you see this on IMDB?
[11:49] jakothewoods: NM, I found it
[11:50] wdalphin: in the Bloodrayne trivia, doof.
[11:51] jakothewoods: You know what we haven't done? We haven't dissed Ben for having anything to do with this movie yet.
[11:51] jakothewoods: Honestly, is there anything we can say?
[11:51] wdalphin: I said he should go in the blender.
[11:52] wdalphin: And I mentioned last week, I think, that he was in it, and that was either retarded or something to that effect.
[11:52] jakothewoods: Sir Mr. Kingsley, you are beyond reproach for having participated in this movie. You will be shunned henceforth.
[11:52] jakothewoods: I think this movie is proof that Ben's agent needs to be taken behind the shed and garroted.
[11:53] wdalphin: I won't shun him merely for being in this, because then I must shun Billy Zane... butI will shun him for not only being in this, but for taking his part, and absolutely doing nothing with it. He was clearly in it for the money... and he took himself seriously. YOU CAN'T TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU ARE IN A UWE BOLL MOVIE.
[11:55] jakothewoods: Anyway, I give this movie no stars. None. Out of five. I will stick to the traditional rating scale, because it needs to be rated in this way, but it was bad enough that someone should pay.
[11:55] wdalphin: I give Bloodrayne 2 stars. It was entertaining by being so bad, but it wasn't unwatchable like... that OTHER movie.
[11:55] wdalphin: wait, are we doing a 0-5 system?
[11:55] jakothewoods: The other movie wasn't on the conventional rating scale.
[11:55] wdalphin: or a 1-5 system?
[11:56] wdalphin: Maybe I shouldn't give it two stars, because that might make people think it's worth renting.
[11:56] jakothewoods: I refuse to be confined to any particular system, although for the sake of people familiar with the 1-5 system, I generally stick with that one. But this movie gets none.
[11:56] wdalphin: I give it an extra point for being so bad that you can see the special effects tubes and shit
[11:57] wdalphin: If we're going outside conventional rating systems, it gets two and a half dead monks.
[11:57] jakothewoods: the way we generally rate on a 1-5 system is 1 - we didn't even finish the movie, we turned it off. 2 - we finished the movie, but it was worthless. 3 - it was an okay movie, we saw it, that's over with. 4 - it was a good movie, I'm glad I saw it. 5 - I want to BUY THIS MOVIE.
[11:58] jakothewoods: On an outside rating system, I would have to give this movie two sprays of blood, and 5 nipples.
[11:58] wdalphin: wow, you can count those nipples on one hand.
[11:58] jakothewoods: Indeed. :-D
[11:59] jakothewoods: I kind of like our outside rating systems, just so you know. They give our audience, such as it is, a better feel for the movie. :)
[11:59] wdalphin: And next week is The Squid and the Whale.
[11:59] jakothewoods: I'm all set for that discussion. :) I think you'll like this movie.
[11:59] wdalphin: Fair enough, it's just harder to put them in where I generally list the overall tally for the rating.
[11:59] wdalphin: dude, geez
[12:00] wdalphin: slow down, first you fall behind, now you're a week ahead. :P
[12:00] jakothewoods: We ought to post two rating systems each time then. One in the conventional style, and one in our descriptive manner.
[12:00] jakothewoods: We got the squid and the whale at the same time as bloodrayne. No worries. :)
[12:00] wdalphin: alright.

Conclusion:
Jak: two sprays of blood and five nipples
Wil: two and a half dead monks